Who Am I? Mothering, Anime, Healing and Fear...

Mar 17, 2016

How am I 35?

I realize that newer moms look up to me, and I want to say to them, wait, what? I'm not the role model here. How did all this time pass? I still feel so new and green at this parenting thing. It just gets hard in different ways, not easier.

I never thought I’d be a mom, and yet, it's at the core of my identity. It's also the thing I think I fail at most consistently.

It's the most raw, vulnerable, tender open wound that continually gets torn open again.

The lines blur between my kids and I, to where I don't know where I end and where they begin.

I never did have solid edges to begin with, except when I was very small.

I grew up with a mother who never slept.

She never allowed herself to sleep, as if it was shameful to have human needs.

So I find myself as someone who tends to over-prioritize sleep. I often choose sleep over waking early to accomplish my goals.

I have an inordinate fear of not getting enough sleep. My organic latex/wool mattress was a lavish investment, and worth every penny.

I don't think I feel entirely safe and secure being a woman. Fully owning my female-ness (instead of society's version of "a good girl" i.e. "Hollywood-pretty") feels like a radical act in this world.

I'm working on that, one outfit, eyeshadow application, and jewelry piece at a time.

I am almost always cold. I know why. But I dislike taking the time to exercise.

I try to compensate for this by living in my head instead of in my whole body... I do not like this habit, but changing it feels overwhelming for many reasons.

The "me" in my head is still 25, and her body is shaped differently. I guess everyone is like that.

I love listening to meditation music, and to all sorts of digital music. But the Finnish love-metal band HIM will always and forever be my favorite. Their songs can still punch me in the gut with emotion, even 10+ years after I first became obsessed with them.

Ville Valo, their lead singer, is beautiful to me - not just aesthetically, but there’s something deeply resonant that his voice and face triggers within me that I cannot explain.

I like herbal medicine, but I love energy medicine.

Meditation, Bach essences and Reiki speak to me far more comprehensively than herbs and tinctures ever do. Also, energy medicine is instantly accessible, because it's all in how you FEEL.

I think I have an odd outlook on death and life compared to most people. I am more moved by suffering than about death itself.

There are much, much worse things than death in my opinion. Like being alive but not really able to LIVE.

I love Russell Brand in almost anything, especially Get Him to the Greek.

I am legit-obsessed with the Harry Potter series, and my favorite character is Snape, because I feel that I can relate to him: He let his core struggle/regret define his life, and it simultaneously made him loathed in the eyes of others, yet noble.

I aim to rise above that legacy in my own life.

I love Full Metal Alchemist. And all the Miyazaki movies.

I may be in love with Howl of Howl's Moving Castle, as much as you can love an anime character.

I'd like to think I'm not afraid of too many things, but that may be my ego talking.

I am afraid of losing my ability to see.

This may be the most controversial thing about me….but I believe with all my soul that hospitals are not places of wellness, and that doctors are fundamentally different than healers.

I have many acquaintances but very few true, deep friendships. I am working toward feeling ready to change that.

Technology is my escape from fully engaging in the world in front of me, and I'm not sure what to do about healing that.

I'd rather technology be a compliment to a full life, not an opt-out from real living.