empowerment & anger - a mother's journey
Hey there, it’s time to GET FUCKING FURIOUS, my sister-women. For your own good. For your health and wellbeing.
Quit being mousey, polite, and frigid, and really, fully face those parts of yourself that you’ve labelled as “too much”.
The ‘lightworker’ perspective is flat, artifical, and lacking in context without the mysteries and depth of the shadows.
Own your righteous anger, feel the richness of your emotions.
Listen to your heart and let it ALL out.
Painful? Problematic? Inconvenient? Yes. I know..
At first, loosing the dam that's been stopping up the deluge of your repressed feelings will be awful--messy--terrifying.
There's SO much built-up gunk inside, you'll probably scare yourself with the level of rage and anger that pours forth, at first….
You may dehydrate yourself with how much crying you'll do. You'll find yourself way beyond cucumber slices on the eyes...all snotty and raw, eyelashes retreating into your swollen lids.
The true enormity of your anger may take your breath away…into the place where you need to give yourself time to process…time to plumb the depths.
To grieve all the yous you’ve betrayed, and allowed to atrophy.
You'll wonder how you'll ever get back to feeling normal again--and the truth is, normal is dead.
Your prior version of normal is gone--those tears and screams and throat-raw raging fits will have alchemized it into something else, something you're wholly unfamiliar with.
After this, you'll be on fragile ground, each step taken with an utter lack of sureness as to where you're going anymore...is this forward?
Where are you even going, now that you’ve discovered your compass was rigged…?
Is there even a map to this new, strange land of feeling?
Friends may fall away, relationships may shatter.
Priorities will fade...and finally...slowly, you'll feel a peace in this new, strange stillness.
Things you once never noticed will become captivating...and you'll find yourself taking joy in them.
This is the new paradigm.
Don't bother trying to connect its dots back to your old normal. It won't line up at all - and that's a very good thing.
Allowing your feelings to flow and alchemize, however messy, is the first step in emotional as well as physical vitality and health.
Our thoughts create our reality.
This picture was taken twelve years ago - Halloween 2008. I had three kids then, not five.
By this time, I'd already broken free from a toxic marriage, narcissistic abuse, and manipulation (for the most part), and I was amazed that I'd come this far.
Frankly, I was amazed I wasn't dead yet - and I was actually happy, and in love.
This was beyond my wildest dreams of what I'd thought possible previously.
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. (That’s trauma for you.)
Back then, I was still just starting to consider that maybe I was allowed to exist on my own terms.
Getting a choice in how I lived my own life? As a mother?
That wasn’t something I was conditioned to expect…my life had been planned for the convenience and prefereces of others, and I had been conditioned to just say “ok”.
Something I wrote on the front cover of my journal back then, and referred to often, was this quote (unknown source):
”We cannot truly say yes to anything, if we are not entirely free to say no”
Just deconstructing that line of thinking was an epic leap forward - because how many women never even get to that point?
How many women are still stuck in relationships that drain their souls, still doing work and living lives that waste their time and squash their passions?
How many mothers think they don't even deserve to eat warm food or pee with the door shut? (Sure, there's a season for that....but don't make martyrdom your identity.)
How many of us spend years of our precious lives, dying on the vine, waiting to be given permission to bloom?
The thing is.....you're NOT going to bloom if you WAIT for permission from somebody else.
It's time to quit pussyfooting around your desires.
Claim what you want in life - because if you wait for permission from others, you're going to shrivel up and die before they give it to you.
And--if you're afraid of losing family or friends because they don't want to see you change into a version of yourself that's less convenient for them--guess what?
They're not worth your light. Move on. No apologies.
So often, the ones who try hardest to convince us we need them, are in fact the ones who rely on us to prop them up.
You didn't come into this life to be ANYBODY's energetic punching bag or narcissistic supply. Not your mother's. Not your partner's. Not your sibling's or friend's, either.
Once you find the courage to establish boundaries, you’ll be able to easily identify the wrong people, because they will be the ones who get pouty, aloof, or mad at you.
Maybe they'll even try to destroy your life, livelihood, and reputation...
Keep going. Everything you want and deserve is on the other side of that terrible, terrifying storm.
Don't get distracted by their endless bullshit, just keep moving forward.
Amazing souls and golden opportunities WILL appear in your world once you finally cut away the parasites and make room in your psyche for the good stuff.
So don't be afraid to install strong boundaries, even if that's new for you--because the right people and things will always be drawn to you.
I'm incredibly proud of who I'm becoming--yes, becoming, because no matter your age, this kind of soul evolution never ends once you start in earnest.
I am continuously uplevelling my reality, my relationships, and my business from a place of sacred growth and LOVE.
The most nourishing kind of self-love spills over and can't help but touch others' lives.
Ten years ago, I was offering henna art, making jewelry, and selling anything I could to make ends meet. Since then, I've done web design, professional ghostwriting, copywriting, marketing and biz strategy; I've attended births, joined an oils company and then left it for another.
It took a long time (hello, Projector life), but I’ve found my purpose and passion, and I am determined to embrace my own version of hedonism and enjoy my life own my own terms.
Over the last 10+ years, I've been following my own lead and listening to my intuition…and while it’s often a WILD RIDE - my heart has never once led me astray.
Back when I was locked in the prison of my former life, I thought intuition was a joke. Now I realize that I'd turned mine off completely, just to quell the continual pain I was in back then.
Again - your thoughts determine your reality.
I really have come light-years past my former self. You can, too.
Rise up, women.
…for Sarah G
birthawakening is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
More on CONSCIOUS MOTHERING: