on feeling inadequate as a parent
As I watch my sweet oldest boy turn more and more into what some might call an angsty teenager - I recall mySelf at his age.
Not so long ago, I was his age....and not long after that, I was pregnant and giving birth to him.
I was 18 the year he was born. The only child of only children, I'd never been around kids, never babysat.
I only ever held a baby once, briefly and awkwardly, before I held my own precious child.
I tried my best at the time, but I knew I felt deeply inadequate for the task I was up against - raising another human being, when I had barely even begun to become my own true Self...
I comforted my completely befuddled teen-mom-self with thoughts like, "At least when he's a teen, we'll get along great, cause I won't be so out of touch with him like my parents are with me...
It will be great - we'll bond over music and I won't force him to do things he hates, and I will welcome his friends...and I will have peace then, if not now."
Not only did I miss the point of Living in the Moment, then...but I recognize now, how so absurdly naive it was for me to think that way:
Again and again, every moment, every phase of development - I realize more and more how very little I know.
How presumptuous of me, to ever think that I could "learn it all in time"...
But also, I've learned that It's Okay.
His path is not mine to control, whether by threat & force, or by leading him with stifling, sugar-coated coercion down the road that looks most promising...least painful.
I have to recognize, the older he gets, that his path may very well include a foray into what, in my opinion, looks like dire misery - but his lessons and his choices are not mine, and do not define me as a person.
I can lead him, guide him, love him so much it hurts - but I cannot ultimately make his choices for him.
It doesn't get easier as they get older.
I dunno who made up that lie.
You trade diapers and sleep deprivation for much deeper, more profound, less tangible worries, the older they get.
You have to make peace with who they're becoming, and realize that so much of it is out of your hands, by the time they are 10+ years old.
The million moments of babyhood and toddlerhood, whether you manage to keep the exasperation out of your voice as you read The Runaway Bunny for the 30th time...they add up to huge things, somewhere down the line.
But we can't know what, or where.
Our kids know us better than we know ourselves, and sometimes that in itself can trigger us.
As they grow, they might retain memories of profound, pivotal, defining moments in their lives....that we are wholly unaware of.
What seems insignificant to us might be Earth-shattering for our child - and we won't always be aware of it.
So if you're feeling unprepared for this huge, monumental task of parenthood - feeling like nobody told you exactly what would be required of you....feeling often, like you're not quite up to the task?
Well, that's good. Nobody can ever prepare themselves for parenthood "enough".
There is no such thing as enough.
You give it your all, and then, incredibly, again and again - you find that more is required of you - so you discover more of yourSelf, and learn and grow alongside your children.
They don't need you to be perfect - they just need you to be real, and willing to grow alongside them.
Parenting is the most immense personal growth journey you can embark upon, in my opinion.
You just have to be open and willing to let it transform you.
Inspired by my friend, Cherise.
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