Unbidden Tears, Awakening the Heart to Change


Originally penned in 2015

Another lifetime ago, I was 25 and escaping a damaging, dysfunctional relationship, very inelegantly, and without much support.

One of the many, many insane things my parents said to me about my ex was,
"He pays the bills and he doesn't beat you - what more do you want?"

As if wanting more than the bare minimum made me an asshole…


That does not make me, or you, needy, extra, or demanding - it makes us NORMAL, healthy human beings…

Recently, my daughter was listening to my old mp3s (remember the rogue-internet days of limewire and bearshare), and she put on an EDM song called Beautiful Things, by Andain.

The song reminded me of a seemingly mundane moment, lost in time….and I realized that this song has an inner story:

I remember listening to it in the car, one cold January morning..it must have been 2004, right around my birthday (which was, then, a typical non-event).

We had just moved to a new city, after my oldest two kids' dad joined the military.

I guess we had to run an errand of some sort, and he had taken our two kids with him into the building.

I was glad to sit alone in the car for maybe 20 minutes. I could pick the radio station myself, and actually listen to what I wanted without interruption or complaint.

It was the first time I'd been by myself in literally months, after living with my parents, and him in training or whatever.

With two little children, living in a new area, with one car, no friends, and no job…sitting in a cold car with the radio on was as close to the luxury of solitude as I could manage…

Got up early, found something's missing
My only name
No one else sees, but I got stuck
And soon forever came

As I listened to the lyrics, tears started pouring down my face - even tho I hardly ever cried.

I already knew dimly that I had thrown my own ambitions and hopes away years prior to this, in favor of pleasing other people, but I hadn't allowed myself to fully feel what I had lost until those moments.

I thought I'd made peace with it, in favor of practicality and other such things... but in this moment, I was finally grieving for a life never lived for me, always pretending, always conforming to others’ expectations and desires.

Sure, I bargained here and there for concessions - as if one's autonomy and heart can be fairly conceded for an occasional bit of spending money or help with the housework.

Even so, I only allowed myself as much time as I dared to feel these feelings in true solitude.

Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see
What's done is done, this life has got its hold on me
Just let it go, what now can never be…

Just a few minutes of this song... Then, I furiously wiped away the tears and hid the tissues, fixed my makeup, so that there wouldn't be a trace of emotion on my face once he and the kids returned.

I hadn't the slightest idea how to begin extracting myself from the heap of someone else's ambitions and ideals that I'd allowed myself to become suffocated by.

More to the point, I didn't believe I had a right to dismantle his creation - especially not ‘just’ to make one of my own.

Now what do I do?
Can I change my mind?
Did I think things through?
It was once my life…

I never imagined that two years after that day, my life would be completely, profoundly different - and full of previously-foreign things like wild joy, huge hopes, and love like I'd never even believed was real or possible.. 

When I first met the man who is now my husband, I was absolutely blown away by How Much he raised the bar on my abysmal expectations about men, about parents, about relationships, and even about myself.

Even today, we're both constantly working to level up as compared to our past selves - not compared to some bullshit idea of "good enough". 

You may or may not have a catalyst like this show up in your life, but true change must originate from within yourself.

Maybe it’s as simple as hearing a song on the radio whose lyrics crack your heart open just enough to let the light of truth and sovereignty in…

Similarly, you may or may not recognize the invitations to change and growth as benevolent, because we’ve been conditioned to think:

change = bad
status quo = safe

That’s what it feels like to live in the upside-down world of trauma (fabulous article).

Our guides and angels and higher self are constantly offering us signs...

but as humans on this planet, we always have free will, which includes the free will to diverge from our ideal path and ignore all the signs meant to aid us.

For example - I once lost a priceless collection of tanzanite jewelry…

Tanzanite is a stone that encourages us to integrate our conscious actions with our heart and feelings. It also encourages us to speak our truth without fear. Now, I think it’s understandable that my stones had had enough of me not listening to them, so they exited my reality!

I ignored countless signs like that over a handful of years…some painful, yet I pressed doggedly on, with ‘praticality’ as my guide.

Finally - hopefully - you can find the strentgh to make a radical move forward...not because it's become easy or clear as to HOW to move forward, but because something happens that jolts you into awareness.

All at once, you realize that choosing anything else besides the thing you’ve been fervently avoiding for so long - is certain death to your tattered soul.

Suddenly, there’s a new, stark clarity in your mind - a bitter taste on your tongue - and you innerstand that maintaining the mundane becomes even more excruciating than the pain of inaction, once you finally allow yourself to feel

If even death sounds like a welcoming embrace, anything is going to feel better than where you're currently at.

Please, Love - choose anything besides what's killing you, whether quickly or slowly...it's all violence to the soul. 


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